The Perfect System for March Madness - The Intrepid

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Perfect System for March Madness

March Madness 2009

Even for those of us who are clueless about college basketball, March Madness can still be fun if you design a crazy method to pick your winners. No, we’re not talking about some lame system like picking by mascot or favourite colours. We’re talking about crazy fucking off the wall methods that have absolutely no chance of succeeding.

Last year, for instance, we picked the schools with the biggest libraries to win. Our thinking was simple: the schools with the biggest libraries have the most money, which means they have lots to spend on their basketball teams. To our surprise, the system failed miserably. We probably should have done the exact opposite. If a school has a small library, it means that they’re probably phasing out academics so they can concentrate on sports. A few years before that, we figured that the best teams were the ones that trained at the highest altitudes—you know, white blood cells and all. Shockingly, this theory was also a bust.

This year though, we think we have a winner. We decided to pick the schools that offer the most sport related bird courses. Think about it. Basketball players don’t have time for school—too busy with sports—but they still need to take something right? So, to help their struggling athletes many schools have created courses such as sports management, sports marketing, and sports in film. These courses no doubt provide college athletes with the valuable skills that they need to pursue a career outside sports.

Our pick to win: Xavier.

Sports Marketing at Xavier
Sadly, this is an actual image of a sports marketing class at Xavier.

Like our previous attempts, this method probably won’t pan out, but so far it looks like the best scheme-to-date.